Hangover
by C.Watherston
Summary: Slightly AU, Post-Miranda. An experiment. Tequila-induced flashbacks. When alcohol takes away all inhibitions, there are some changes onboard the the good ship Serenity.
1. Chapter 1

When River stepped out of her bunk holding her head, Simon immediately leaped into his doctor mode.

"_Mei mei_? What's wrong with your head? Are you-"

The hand not clutching her temple snapped up to silence him.

"Must you yell?" she snapped, her voice hoarse and low.

"Your voice! Do you have a cold?"

River sighed heavily and blinked heavily. She didn't answer him. Instead she strode past and down into the galley where the crew had gathered for breakfast. Simon's insistent questions about her health followed her down the hall, where the crew heard them before they saw either of the siblings. Mal grinned.

"I'm thinking that the good doctor doesn't know about River's little escapade last night?" he addressed the table. Seated there, Jayne, Wash and Zoe shook their heads with identical hangdog expressions. Their captain grinned and greeted his newest gun hand as she entered, followed by Simon.

"Good morning sparky! How are we this here fine, upstanding-"

"Captain?" she growled.

"Yes 'Tross?"

"You're being unnecessarily loud. I understand that the irritating volume of your voice is mostly due to the after effects of the amount of alcohol I consumed-"

"Alcohol? What alcohol?"

"-last night, however I would appreciate it if you humoured me and shut the hell up" River finished as if Simon hadn't even spoken. Even Zoe managed a grin at her brother's shocked expression as River turned into the kitchen for coffee. She was struggling with strands of hair falling into her face when Jayne did something very strange. He pulled a piece of string from his pocket.

"Riv, here" he said and threw it to her.

Calmly, River caught it, thanked him, and used it to tie up her hair. Simon's jaw was lagging somewhere about ankle level.

"I'm going to the bridge" she snapped to the gathered and stormed away, quietly. Simon watched her for a moment, then shook his head to clear it. He stared at Jayne.

"Did you just call her…what th-River! Wait! Can I talk to you for a second please?"

He hurried out of the room and caught her in the hall.

"If you can converse _quietly, _you can. Otherwise I'm going to get very upset"

"You have a hangover!"

"I believe that is the colloquial for it, yes"

"Why?"

River took a deep breath as if she was going to launch into a long, scientific explanation, then instead she let it out without use.

"There is an excess amount of alcohol in my system. A lot of excess"

Simon had his arms folded and that well-known frowning expression he used when he was puzzling something out. Kaylee would coo and call it cute. River found it annoying. It meant she had to think slower, which today didn't seem like such a bad idea. She sighed heavily again.

"I indulged in drinks with Jayne, Inara, Captain Daddy, Wash and Zoe last night while you were indulging in sexual intercourse with Kaylee"

His jaw dropped and an insistent blush rose in his cheeks.

"River! I…well, what…so you went and got drunk with the crew?"

"Yes. Jayne told me it is an acceptable bonding activity after a hard job. I found it an interesting exercise"

She turned to continue her work up the bridge and sipped her coffee.

"Mm…caffeinated beans" she murmured.

For a long time, Simon stood uselessly in the hall, still puzzling.

"Hey, Riv?"

"Here Jayne" she called distractedly.

The big merc paused and looked left, then right. Then he sighed and looked up. A bright strip of fabric caught his eye through the grating on the roof.

"Yew wanna git on down here, Crazy?"

Three feet to his left, booted little feet followed by a pair of shapely dancers leg's and finally a blur of long coloured dress and bike shorts slid gracefully out of the roof and straightened. He handed her a glass and two little tablets in the palm of his hand.

She looked at them and raised her eyebrow.

"Acetylsalicylic acid?"

He looked confused.

"Ya wha?"

"Aspirin?"

His face brightened and he nodded.

"Yeah. I fig'ed you could use some, and ya wasn't in the mood for another ear-boxin' from yore uptight priss of a brother"

She gave him a brilliant smile, one that made him warm all over.

"You are a lot more intelligent than we give you credit for, Jayne Cobb" she said warmly, tossing back the tablets dry, then taking a drink so he didn't feel like too much of a moron. Not sure whether to take that as a compliment or not, Jayne stood and said nothing.

"So how're ya feelin'?"

River thought about it.

"Free"

"Wha?"

"I feel free. Apart from the unsatisfactory side effects of the consummation of that amount of alcohol, such as vomiting and tension headaches…it felt normal"

Jayne heard her voice catch on that one little word and pretended he didn't. He nodded.

"Norm'ls good" he commented. She smiled and he felt his pulse quicken before he could ignore it or control it.

"Normal is great!" she laughed. She had a beautiful laugh, and it made him grin like an idiot to hear it. Their eyes met, and she looked away first. She noted a speeding pulse and a light-headed dizziness with dissatisfaction, attributing it thoughtlessly to the hangover. She glanced back up at the hole in the grating and handed him the glass.

"Thank-you, Jayne. I had better get back to work"

He nodded, fiddling with the glass in his big hands, not looking at her. She paused, one foot on the handrail that she used to climb into the grating.

"Is everything alright, Jayne?" she asked, cocking her head to one side. He looked at her, studying her expression, a disconcerted frown as his face as he tried to read her unfathomable expression. Then he swallowed and looked down again. She sighed heavily again.

"Jayne; she is doing as earlier requested and not reading your thought patterns. It is very difficult to understand what you want when-"

"Ye don't 'member nothing' from last night, do ya?"

She blinked and cocked her head again. She thought about her speeding pulse and connected it to new stimuli and information she had gathered since the morning.

"I feel something has changed in our dynamic. What I do not understand; she feels…connected, but it is not overwhelming her. There are new stimuli being noticed, triggering emotive reactions. What she does not comprehend is the trigger? What has changed to affect the relationship?"

He stared at her, getting the basic flow of what she was saying and ignoring the rest of the complicated Core-speak. He blinked and was swallowed in a Tequila induced flashback.

_The music was pounding, a merry band tearing up the lyrics in the corner as the whole bar swirled and spun and jumped up and down. There was beer and spirits flowing around them, the fumes alone enough to get her drunk. _

_She was on the table, spinning in a tight, controlled circle, her short red dress flying around her as her big boots clumped precisely to the beat. Jayne was in a haze of good times and beer and now, watching her, lust as well. When had the Moonbrain gone and gotten so curvy and right shiny? _

_There was a blur of a hand on her dress, tugging, and a brawl that had Mal right in the middle, roaring. He was pretty sure he'd started that, and tried to remember why he felt so satisfied as the man with the black shirt tumbled, unconscious, to the dirt floor. River was right in the midst of it, her eyes glazed and hair flying wildly as she kept Mal, Zoe, Jayne and Wash protected in a circle of the brawl. _

_Tumbling around, swinging punches and kicks, Jayne made it to the bar and found her sprawled against him, laughing. They were both laughing. Now how in gorram hell had he gone and gotten in this position, the drunk Crazy-Girl perched in his lap like she belonged there, the sweet, heady smell of her clean hair and alcohol soaked dress filling him like a drug. As the a knot of fighters who hadn't realised the brawl was over came tumbling towards them like clowns in the circus ring, Jayne pushed River out of the path of destruction. She took his hand; so big and rough against the small silkiness of hers, and dragged him out the back door, marked _Exit _in a glowing hologram. Staggering, they lurched out the door into the alley outside. River was giggling, and they were talking; how the brawlers tried to hit them, how they were too fast, too smart, too good for them, like kids revelling in the glory of a won fist fight. They were walking too, neither of them seeming to realise that it was pouring with rain. The heavens had, at some stage, opened and the cold, clean buckets had a vague sobering affect on them. Enough to realise they should really head back to the ship, and enough to realise that River was holding a full bottle of Tequila in her hand. They'd laughed, because she couldn't remember how the hell she'd come to be in possession of it. Jayne had dug at Simon; what would he say if he could see his darling, innocent _mei-mei_, staggering drunk, swigging the potent Mexican poison straight from the bottle, sharing it with Jayne the Ape-Man, who she was leaning on heavily to be able to walk straight. _

_She really couldn't hold her liquor, that one, but Jayne didn't want to stop her. It was the happiest, the most free and unguarded, he'd ever seen her, stumbling on their meandering path through the rain back to _Serenity. _All the liqueur was going straight to his head, and all his blood straight to his John Thomas. The rain had melded the floaty red dress to her newly discovered woman's curves and her bra was white and gone translucent. It was like a rush of adrenaline straight to his heart and she must have felt it too, because she was turning, staring at him, that look in her eyes like she was trying to process something new. All too late he realised his treacherous arm had snaked around her waist and was holding her close…too close. She could feel his hot arousal through his khaki trousers. Her little mouth hung in a limp, inviting pink O, raindrops catching on her lashes and plastering her hair to her head. _

_The smell of him in the rain was intoxicating. All she was able to feel was what she had seen in Wash and Zoe, sitting on the flight deck intertwined in the pilots seat. It flooded her so much she could do nothing but cling to the source of it; bracken catching a stone in a flash flood and hanging on for dear life. _

_Then, somewhere between her realising what lust is and him realising this was a really, _really _gorram bad idea, his mouth was on hers. The fumes of alcohol, the sweetness of cherry, the harsh tang of tobacco mixed and wound around them until there was nothing but wet skin, taste, sensation and the dangerous desire to get naked. _

_Luckily, for both of them, Mal chose that moment to holler out to them, and he was so blind drunk that he wouldn't recall the stagger to _Serenity_, never mind the sight of his gun hands pressed so closely they were in danger of melding into one being. _

With a grunt of surprise, Jayne pulled himself out of his hazy memory and stared blankly at River, as though trying to remember where, what and who he was in a single rush. She was staring back with wide eyes and little panting breaths. His blood rushed south again; he wanted, so lethally badly, to be the one to induce that state in her. Gasping for breath, hair mussed, eyes wide. He pulled away, stepping back before he made a mistake.

"Nothin' happened, River-girl. Jus' got drunk together. Part'ers do that" he grumbled and turned away. She watched him retreat like a kicked dog, eyes narrowed. When he was long gone, she smiled.

She couldn't wait to experiment again.


	2. Chapter 2

Mal heard the fight before he realised what was going on. Sitting in the galley with Wash and Inara, a map out in front of them and _Serenity_'s book-keeping in front of Inara, they all froze and listened carefully. Jayne; cursing a blue streak, swearing, shouting, hollering. River; screaming blue murder, throwing her own highly inventive, Wash-inspired curses back at him.

Mal looked at Inara, who was calmly raising her eyebrow and mouthing a particularly inventive profanity to herself. Then he looked at Wash, who was blushing. It seemed that particularly inventive profanity was of his design. Then he sighed and stood up, pulling his pistol from its holster as he stormed out the door. Inara and Wash followed at a discret distance.

"Gorram it!"

It was about all he could manage to voice. Not only were they shouting, they were a spinning entanglement of lethal blows and punches, blurring limbs turning into a languid wall of flesh between them. Leaning on the rails Zoe, Book and Kaylee watched interestedly, throwing in comments like they were watching a sports match.

"Oh, he'll feel that in the morning"

"Gosh is it even possible to twist that way?"

"Isn't there something in the Bible about violence, preacher?"

"I hope it's somewhat fuzzy. This is very entertaining. See, now that was well manuvered-"

Mal cleared his throat meaningfully.

"Somebody best be explaining why I got a crazy girl and my merc down there trying to kill each other and nobody trying to stop them!"

"Simon did. He's in the infirmary with a headache" said Kaylee brightly, over her shoulder to him, before turning her attention back to the fighting pair. River flipped past Jayne's shoulder and onto a cargo box. As he made a grab for her, shouting that she was...well...Wash raised him eyebrow and committed that one to memory, she spun in a graceful, ballet-inspired whirl and sent him crashing to the ground.

"I won't have no killing on my gorram shit lestaways its me doing the killing!" roared Mal, stepping up and thumbing the safety on his piece.

"Come now captain. How about we let them cool off before intervening? It'll be best for the safety of the whole crew"

"Yeah, and preacher man here's got ten credits that River lays him out cold in another four minutes" interjected Zoe. Mal raised his eyebrow.

"I didn't have you pinned for a betting man, Sheppard"

Book's black eyes twinkled.

"You put your gun away and I'll let you in on the deal"

Mal hesitated and looked down.

Jayne was on his feet, blood flowing freely from his nose, swinging a series of sharp haymakers into the thin air where River would be a split second before his fist struck.

"You're on preacher man"

"Mal!"

Inara looked shocked, glaring at him with kohl lined eyes full of fury and concern.

"They're going to hurt one another! If Jayne lands a punch..." she gestured at the big man, who was towering over the smaller Reader, his bulk to her petite leanness. Mal raised an eyebrow.

"Fifteen credits says Jayne doesn't land a punch"

"I am not going to be involved in this insanity! One of them is going to be seriously wounded, Malcolm Reynolds, and it is not going to be on my-" she was interrupted by the sound of River's breath rushing out of her as a short jabbing kick from Jayne caught her in the ribs. She flipped backwards over herself, using the momentum from the blow, and both her boots cracked Jayne in the head on their way over.

"Make it twenty" she said, taking a place next to Mal on the rail.

"J'espère que vous brûlez dans le trou le plus profond de l'enfer !" River screamed. They were circling each other angrily, rage in every pore of their body. Jayne swung, missed, and wheeled backwards to avoid a sudden strike for his chest. Her kick glanced off his forearm but her stance was rock solid a heartbeat later.

"You gorram crazy moonbrained lil bitch! Ye can't speak to a man normal!" he shouted back. She launched herself into the air from the heels of her feet and snapped out three kicks aimed for his chest and head, midair. He dodged two and caught the third by her ankle, wrenching her to the ground with an almighty crash. She rebounded like she was made of rubber, a neat little trick he would have to get her to teach him sometime...when he didn't feel like murdering her!

"She cannot speak to man without the girl-named ape making them run away! Wee, wee, wee all the way home! Filium meretricis, et taurum!"

"I ain't a gorram ape, moonbrain!-" dodge, strike, strike, dodge, block- "I'm a gorram merc! N' what the _guay _d'ya want with some gorram snot-nosed-" block, punch- "Mama's boy-" block, strike, kick, punch, duck- "Ruttin' princess-" spin, dodge, parry, kick- "Who wouldn't know-" punch, kick, chop, strike- "How ta treat ya iffin ya-" punch, duck, weave, punch- "Gave tha _hwoon dahn-_" strike, kick, block- "A RUTTIN' MAP!"

River swore and suddenly they were both on the ground, battling for the upper hand. Jayne's weight and strength immediately came into play; River was trapped. She panted, lithe muscles shifting dangerously in intricate twists to get free of his iron grip.

"It was an experiment! Variables correlated, data assessed, hypothesis and method. Exact!" she snarled into his face and bucked against him, getting one hand free enough to spin it and dig the nail of her thumb hard and deep into the nerves of his wrist. Jayne roared and they broke apart, gasping. They circled like a pair of angry dogs in the pit, both pairs of eyes blazing.

"Well I ain't gunna 'pologise for messin' up your gorram 'speriment, Crazy!"

She whirled at him and they quickly became entangled, so tightly locked together that neither could get free. Jayne swallowed; as if it hadn't been bad enough when she was _under _him, face all flushed an' smellin' too gorram good ta be legal, wriggling an' shifting about, now they were face-to-face an' every inch of her taunt curves were pressed to every hard, thick line of him. River could feel the red rushing off him; the anger and the lust. It was overwhelmingly dangerous and intoxicating.

She was going to have another hangover in the morning.

"There is no need for the ape-man to apologise! Experiment was a success"

He broke away. His shoulders jarred like he'd just been smacked by a lump of timber across the back. Not even bothering to be on the offensive anymore, he just stared at her. A few feet separated them, but at that moment it might as well have been the whole world. Her walls were so far down that she couldn't help but see the images in his head; images of her, more beautiful and awing than she would have ever imagined herself, violated with the randy thoughts of harsh, featureless red, a flower ripped open and thrown carelessly to the muddy gutter of the street.

Her mouth fell open in surprise, and he immediately realised, backing up like a spooked horse.

"Git the gorram _guay _outta my head, moonbrained girl! Ain't nothing. Ain't nothing you-"

"He does not understand the experiment. Hypothesis was not explained"

"What d'ya say?"

"Jayne cares. Experiment was a success"

He blinked slowly and rubbed his stubble carefully, his hand coming away damp with blood. She stood with her hands by her side, watching him carefully through those hooded brown eyes.

"Course I care, girl. Whatcha on 'bout? Yer crew"

She smiled patronisingly.

"Silly Jayne. She knows. Whirling in the rain, alcohol, cherry, tobacco mixed and winding around them until there is nothing but their wet skin, taste, sensation and desire. Cold made warm, china doll awoken and made real. The gunman makes the precious doll feel. And she ties him down, safe in the storm of bloody chaos and Reavers. She had to know for sure and make him realize. Wake him from the stormy nightmares so he knows he is tied down….he can let go because he knows now that he is being held by something real. Not a china doll…"

His jaw was hanging open, and the pain didn't register. They continued to stand apart staring at each other.

"Imma gunna need that in plain English, Riv" he murmured, eyes darkening. She smiled.

"He knows"

"I gotta hear it anyways , jus' in case I was or is wrong in thinkin' it"

"Girl needs the man to make her real, and the man needs to girl to hold him down. They complete each other. Two pieces making a whole"

She stepped close and clasped his hand in hers, showing him the all-too-perfect way her palm and fingers met and fit all the dips and gaps of his hand. She stood up on tiptoes to reach his cheek and kissed the bruised and broken skin there, lips the caress of a butterfly's antenna on the lips of a flower.

"Big bad wolf scared the little pig away before you think" she whispered reassuringly, softly. She giggled at his black thoughts;

_I wouldn't give a damn anyways, _mei ren. _Yer mine now, ever an' always_

Up on the catwalk, jaws dropped all around. Nobody bothered to exchange credits. Bets were automatically forfeited.

"How's about we not be mentioned this lil change o' tack to the good doc, _dong ma_?" said Mal softly, straightening from the rail and gesturing to the rest of his crew to head away from the cargo hold. There were nods of agreement all around.

Inara and Mal exchanged a soft glance, a steady one that stopped hearts all around. It said _thank-you for being the grown-up _and _I ain't a total _hun dan _sweetheart_.

As one silent body, the crew slipped away. Below them, the merc and the Reader were still entwined, drunk on the others scent.

Though when Simon found out, they would both be slammed by a major hangover.


End file.
